What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

One cannot live in the past .

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I write beautiful poetry .

I couldn’t, believe it.

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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

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I could never make a relationship work though!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

What did i know ?

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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He knew the spot.

She was in good health!

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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

She found it foreign!.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Comes on , in middle age.

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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Ive learnt so much.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

How do you deal with neighbors who are always telling you what to do?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I was scared of men, in general

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

We all went to grammer schools

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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

We were not on the streets..

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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

And i lived it daily.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

When she asked me how she looked .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

(And it was in our own minds.)

But ive been too sick for many years..

I have no regrets .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I never cut or harmed myself..

I had hoped to write a book about this .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I was 9 years of age.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She married twice! .

All the time i was locked up.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Im still living with it.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Why did i forgive my father ?

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

But it wasn’t much.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I was seconnd youngest,

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

My life is so biszare .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I think the readers, may guess!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Who then, do I blame.?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Put me off passion for life!!

But, we were locked up after school.

I will be 64.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

It was going to be , some day.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I waited trembling.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Would this be the day?

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I don,t even have a pension.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Where the ultimate outsiders.

This is soul school!.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Especially a lifetime of it.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

My mum and dad in the seventies!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I was very sick at this time too.

So, i spoilt her more .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I said to her

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

She loved him until the end.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

So whats the point in blame.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

She wouldn,t have been !

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My family never makes their pension either.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.